It's Okay
I've been wanting to write this post for a while. I've started and then deleted it probably 5 times. Why? Because being vulnerable is hard and admitting my struggles is even harder.
People ask what the hardest part about being a new mom is. It's not the sleepless nights, it's not the days where there are nothing but tears, it's not having more laundry to do or more dishes to wash. It's feeling like I've lost who I am as a person. It's missing my pre-baby days and then feeling incredibly guilty for having those thoughts. It's thinking about what life would be like without Kenneth, and then breaking down into tears because I love her more than life itself.
I knew when I made the choice to be a stay-at-home-mom that it would be the hardest yet most rewarding job I've ever had; and I was right. I did not, however, anticipate how hard it would be. Kenneth was a really easy newborn. Breastfeeding was great, she took naps anywhere, wasn't colicky...etc. She's almost 7 months old now and definitely not a newborn anymore. Naps are a struggle EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I tell her that napping is good for her and when she takes them she feels so much better, but she just rolls her eyes and continues spitting at me. I'm guessing this is a quick glance of what her teenage years will be like. Okay, back to naps. My life revolves around her nap "schedule" which is subject to change on a daily basis. She usually conveniently changes it when I've made plans around the schedule she had been on so that I end up missing whatever it is that I wanted/needed to do. I have begun feeling extremely lonely and isolated because of this and it's been really hard on me the past few weeks. We've missed my mom group (or had to leave early), we've missed music class, we've missed lunch dates and playdates, and I've missed interacting with people that talk back and don't just try to stick my fingers in their mouths. My days consist of trying to make the house look like squatters don't inhabit it while keeping K happy, healthy and (kind of) clean. I spend my spare time stuffing diapers, researching homeopathic remedies, and looking at pictures of when Kenneth was a tiny tiny baby. I used to spend my days napping, reading, watching SVU and eating when I was hungry. I miss those days and I'm starting to realize that it's okay to have these feelings. It's okay to miss being able to sleep or lay in bed all day and do nothing. It's okay to ask for help when I need it. It's okay to not be perfect all the time. None of those things make me a bad mom. It is okay to need a break every once and a while to make sure that I don't break. Because I would definitely be no good to anyone if that happened.
People ask what the hardest part about being a new mom is. It's not the sleepless nights, it's not the days where there are nothing but tears, it's not having more laundry to do or more dishes to wash. It's feeling like I've lost who I am as a person. It's missing my pre-baby days and then feeling incredibly guilty for having those thoughts. It's thinking about what life would be like without Kenneth, and then breaking down into tears because I love her more than life itself.
I knew when I made the choice to be a stay-at-home-mom that it would be the hardest yet most rewarding job I've ever had; and I was right. I did not, however, anticipate how hard it would be. Kenneth was a really easy newborn. Breastfeeding was great, she took naps anywhere, wasn't colicky...etc. She's almost 7 months old now and definitely not a newborn anymore. Naps are a struggle EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I tell her that napping is good for her and when she takes them she feels so much better, but she just rolls her eyes and continues spitting at me. I'm guessing this is a quick glance of what her teenage years will be like. Okay, back to naps. My life revolves around her nap "schedule" which is subject to change on a daily basis. She usually conveniently changes it when I've made plans around the schedule she had been on so that I end up missing whatever it is that I wanted/needed to do. I have begun feeling extremely lonely and isolated because of this and it's been really hard on me the past few weeks. We've missed my mom group (or had to leave early), we've missed music class, we've missed lunch dates and playdates, and I've missed interacting with people that talk back and don't just try to stick my fingers in their mouths. My days consist of trying to make the house look like squatters don't inhabit it while keeping K happy, healthy and (kind of) clean. I spend my spare time stuffing diapers, researching homeopathic remedies, and looking at pictures of when Kenneth was a tiny tiny baby. I used to spend my days napping, reading, watching SVU and eating when I was hungry. I miss those days and I'm starting to realize that it's okay to have these feelings. It's okay to miss being able to sleep or lay in bed all day and do nothing. It's okay to ask for help when I need it. It's okay to not be perfect all the time. None of those things make me a bad mom. It is okay to need a break every once and a while to make sure that I don't break. Because I would definitely be no good to anyone if that happened.
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